Wakka's Taters
by Neo-Nebula
Summary: Wakka grows a tater and someone steals it! This story is filled with craziness and random stuff, so you have been warned! Who stole the Tater?
1. Chapter 1

Hiya! This is one of the first fanfics I have written, which was 2 years ago and is the first for me to post! It's know as one of my best, too! Hope you enjoy! Read and Review, please! If you don't like it, you can tell me, just don't curse or use vulgar language, please!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything in this story. (Except for taters and a house! )

**Wakka's Taters**

Chapter 1: Wakka Grows a Tater 

One morning on Island Besaid, there was a nice cozy cottage near the local Blitzball stadium.

"Lulu! Come look! It's a miracle! Hurry!" Wakka yelled, jumping up and down in his garden.

Lulu walked out of the cottage, sipping a cup of tea. "Why did I marry this embicel?" she mumbled.

"Come on, hunny, hurry!" he encouraged. Lulu trips over a pebble, causing her tea to go all over her beautiful face.

"Lulu! I'm coming!" Wakka called. He ran over to her, but tripped over a pebble as well and landed on top of her.

"Uhg! Wakka! Get . . . off!" she said angrily, barely breathing.

Wakka gets off and helps his lovely wedded wife up. She dusts off her dress and heads toward the door.

"Wait, hunny, where are you going, ya?" he asked sadly.

"To go wash my face!" she replied angrily.

Wakka runs up to her with some dirty grass in his hands. "Wait, ya! I can fix it!" he says. Before she can run off . . .

"Aihhha!" Lulu screams, waving her arms in panic as Wakka smooshed it on her face.

"Ain't that better, ya?" Wakka asked, quite pleased with a job well done.

"Why you – Stupid husband!" Lulu scolded angrily, fists clenched and mud sliding off of her face with her nose snarled. She stomped off into the house.

"Was it something I said?" he shrugged. He just waited for her to come back out so he could show her the surprise.

A few minutes later, Lulu returned outside a little calmer and approached her stupid love.

"What was it you wanted to show me, a Blitzball?" she grumbled.

"Nah, come look in the garden, Sugar Plum Fairy!" Wakka gestured. He grabbed her hand as they walked.

"Uhm . . . Stupid, why are you holding my hand?" she asked, holding a moogle doll in the other.

"So you won't get lost! Five feet in front of the house is a long way," he answered.

When they arrived, Wakka and Lulu started doing a Ho-down around the surprise.

"See, Hunny, it's a tater!" he danced happily.

" . . .Wow. I can't believe you were smart enough to know how to water it, even,' Lulu replied in shock as Wakka slung her around.

"Well, I had to call Auron to show me how . . ." Wakka confessed.

"Oh, hunny, it's as handsome as you are!" Lulu said.

"I know," Wakka said pleased and feeling complemented. "By the way, I wrote you this poem: Ahem 'Nose bleeds are red,

Bruises are blue,

You are as beautiful,

As the buggar in my shoe'."

Slap!

"Ouch! What was that for, Sweetheart?" he asked.


	2. The Mysterious Tater Thief

**Chapter 2: The Mysterious Tater Thief**

Wakka just looked down sadly at a little golden flower on the ground next to his shoe. All of a sudden . . . Poof! Auron pops out of the flower, hugging and kissing a Barbie doll in a leapord print outfit.

"Oh, oh, oh, my love, you are so attractive and beautiful," Auron says, then looks up at Wakka and hides her behind his back. "Oh, uh, how's it goin', man!"

"Lulu is mad," he replied.

"Uh, I didn't know my gas problem was that bad. Maybe Yuna's right; maybe I should go see a doctor," Auron admitted sadly without shame.

"No, it's not you, ya. All I did was read her this poem," Wakka said, handing Auron the poem.

Auron studied it in silence for a few moments as if trying to solve a murder mystery. "Hmm . . . maybe it was the violence. Some chicks are squeamish about blood, gore, and violence."

"Oh," Wakka replied. "By the way, Auron, I grew a tater! See, it's right --- Oh my gosh! It's gone!"

The tater was gone! There was just a hole there where it once was.

"Noooooooooooooo!" Wakka grieved. He was on his knees, head down, and hands over his tearful eyes.

"Wa-kka!" Lulu yelled sacredly as she stormed out of the house, holding her baby. "What's wrong! You woke our baby up!"

"Oh, oh, oh, why! Why!" Wakka continued to wail.

Lulu approached Wakka and Auron in the garden. She looked down and saw that his prized-possession tater was gone.

"Oh, you idiot!" Lulu yelled angrily as she slapped him silly. "You woke our baby and scared me half-to-death over some dumb tater!" Lulu stomped off back into the house with her crying baby.

"Hmm . . . this causes for an investigation! I'll go round up a search party!" Auron told him gleefully.

When Auron came back, he had brought back with him Tidus, Yuna, Paine, and Rikku.

"I can't believe that someone beat me to that tater! I was gonna steal it!" Tidus groaned.

"Oh, my baby tater!" Wakka cried some more.

"I've hired some more detectives, but they won't be here until a little later . . . ," Auron explained.

"Maybe we should look for clues like footprints or toe jam: Yuna suggested, arms around Tidus.

"Nah, that's the smart thing to do! We must not follow that path!" Auron said, wrist on his forehead in sorrow.

"Oh, Yuna . . . you are more beautiful . . . that Queen Brahne of Alexandria . . . Oh," Tidus said, looking into Yuna's unmatching colored eyes.

"I miss Seymour," Rikku said, eyes full of Al Bhed tears.

"Hey! We're here!" Zidane, Beatrix, Kuja, Cloud, and Tifa yelled. "We're the other detectives!"

"Good! Now let's check our suspects!" Auron said.

"Suspects?" Tifa asked confused, holding Cloud's hand.

"Yes! Everyone here is a suspect!" Auron explained. "Line up! In order from youngest to oldest!" he ordered.

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We'll, hope you all are enjoying the story! This story is all together 7 short chapters long. Please read and review! Have you figured out who stole it yet?


	3. The Suspects

Chapter 3: The Suspects 

They were lined up in the following order from left to right, since they were too stupid to know their own ages: Baby, Zidane Tribal, Princess Garnet Til' Alexandros the 17th, Beatrix, Rikku, Tifa, Cloud, Paine, Kuja, Yuna, Tidus, Lulu, and Wakka.

Auron was marching toward Wakka's baby as if he were a commander in the military. "Okay, squirt, where were you at 10:23 this morning?" he asked seriously.

"Goo goo?" Baby replied.

Auron went over to Zidane, who was scratching his butt as usual. "Hmm . . . well, you appear to have tater juice and pealing all over your face and hands. Then, that **_must _**mean that . . . . . . . . . . . .(Drum role) . . . . . . . you're a professional detective! Congrats, kid!" he complemented, rubbing the top of Zidane's hair.

"Hey!" Zidane complained. "I'm not a kid! I'm sixteen years old!"

"So, monkey kiddy, what were you doing at 10:23 this morning? Taking a little kiddy nap?" Auron asked.

"Grrr . . . No! I was eating Wak-er . . . uhm, I was invading Garnet's privacy while she was smoking!" Zidane said.

"Garnet! I'm telling your mother, Queen Brahne, about your usage of nicotine!" Beatrix growled.

"Zidane Tribal! I'll have your head for this nonsense!' Garnet scolded.

Auron headed toward Garnet. "So, Princess Zelda, what were you doing at the time, learning how to flush the toilet?" he asked.

"Ah! How dare you insult the princess of Alexandria! I was shopping for a new dress!" Garnet scolded.

"Oh yeah, where is it?" Auron asked suspiciously.

"Right here! See, it's on my body! It's white with gold sequins!" Garnet pointed out.

Auron stepped up to Beatrix. "So, hot chick, what were you doing at the time, eating bologna and sneeze?" he asked, smirking.

"How dare you accuse me of eating peasant food! I was drinking wine!" she said.

Auron walked over to Rikku. "So, Rikku, what were you doing at the time? Flirting with me?" he asked.

"Heck no! I was studying the anatomy of Cheeze-Its!" she said.

"Prove it, you disgusting varmint!" he yelled.

Rikku pulled out a microscope and a Cheeze-It cracker from out of her belt pouch.

Auron walked over to Tifa, who was hugging Cloud. "What about you, beautiful nose?" he asked dreamily.

"I was kissing Cloud! See the lip marks all over his face?" she asked.

Auron went up to Cloud. "I was being kissed!" Cloud said.

Auron went to Paine, who was popping her knuckles. "I was eating grass!" she yelled.

"Prove it!" Auron demanded. She smiled, revealing grasshoppers and grass in her teeth.

"Oh, I wish **_I _**had teeth like that!" Tidus whined.

Auron walked up to Kuja. "So, pretty woman, what were you doing, hunting for a place on your schedule where you could meet me for the movies?" he asked, hearts for eyes.

"Grrrr! I am the Dark Prince Kuja! I am **_not_** a freakin' woman! I am Zidane's evil big brother!" Kuja screamed.

"Whatever you say, sugar!" Auron replied.

Auron went up to Yuna. "What about you, ugly piece of a fish eye!" he called.

"Ah! Shame on you, Auron! I am Summoner Yuna from this island! I was watching Tidus eat! He's so cute when he eats!" she replied.

"So, Mr. Bad Athlete, what were you doing, clipping your disgusting brown toenails?" Auron accused.

"No! I was eating!" Tidus yelled.

"Lulu, Wakka, what were you two doing?" Auron asked.

" I was in the house angry at Wakka's poem!" Lulu replied.

"I was crying beside of you because my tater was gone!" Wakka said. " My precious!" he started to cry again.

"Go home! We'll continue the investigation tomorrow!" Auron ordered.

We'll did you like it? Figure out who the thief is? Please read and review!


	4. Tidus's Drinking Spree

Hey! Only 3 chapters left after this, for a total of 7 chapters! Hope you enjoy this! This used to have alcohol, but I decided it would be better to use Coke, and I hope you all do, too! Have fun!

**Chapter 4: Tidus's Drinking Spree**

After the tiring investigation, Tidus decides to go hang out at the local bar to strike up an interesting conversation.

"Hello there, Tidus. Wanna drink?" The bar dude asked.

"Sure. I could go for one about now," Tidus answered.

"You look beat. This one's on me," Bar dude said. He put a Coke mug in front of Tidus.

Tidus drunk the Coke straight down within one Milo second. "More! More! More! More! More!" Tidus demanded, hitting his fists against the bar table, causing all of the dishes to rattle.

"Okay, okay, Tidus, I'll go get you some more!" The bar dude insisted. "But these are on you!" He brought some Coke mugs over to Tidus. Tidus drunk 561 Cokes.

"Buuuuuuuuurrrrrrrppp! Hiiiiiiiicccccuuuuppp! Ahh . . ." Tidus said happily drunk.

"It's getting' around noon. Why don'cha go hang out with Yuna for a while, eh?" Bar dude suggested.

"He . . . he he . . .he! Okay, pretty woman!" Tidus laughed with his eyes not really focused on anything. He stumbled out the door and headed to Wakka's house.

"Okay, ya, Tidus will be here any minute!" Wakka assured, since everyone was tired of waiting and mumbling about how they want to go suck on dog biscuits that are smothered in delicious cow manure.

"He he . . .ha he ho!" Tidus giggled as he climbed over a little hill beside of Wakka's garden. He kept falling over as he tried to climb it.

"Hey, Tidus, me cat! Where have you been, ya?" Wakka greeted.

"Hiccup! Burrp! He he he. . . I'm Rikku's mother-in-law! He ha ho!" Tidus replied, eyes rolling around in his head and barely keeping his balance.

" . . . I have a mother-in-law?" Rikku pondered, her eyes making direct contact with Cloud's boot, which had a small blade of grass upon it.

"Lulu," Wakka said.

"Yes, icky worm?" Lulu asked, looking deeply into her husband's eyes.

"I want to read another poem to you that I wrote. Ahem:

'Roses are red,

The sky is blue,

You are crazy,

And I am too'," he read to her.

Slap!

"Ouch! Why'd you do that, honey suckle?" Wakka asked, rubbing his cheek, which had a big red hand print on it.

Tidus walked over beside of Cloud, grabbed Tifa by the hair, and stuck his finger in her ear. "Ooooh! Earwax!" Tidus said gleefully. Then he licked it off his finger and threw Tifa on top of Wakka and Lulu's roof.

"Heya, Cloudy! You sure are growin' up, burp, fast!" Tidus told him, rubbing Cloud's hair.

"Hey! What's wrong with you, Tidus?" Cloud asked.

"He he he! Let's see, you're four years old now, arent'cha, Cloudy!" Tidus asked. He then ran behind him, grabbed Cloud's underwear, and pulled it so hard that he lifted Cloud off the ground!

"Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhggggg!" Cloud cried and winced in pain.

"H he he ha ha ha ho ho ho!" Tidus and Wakka roared in laughter.

"Okay! You can put him down now!" Garnet yelled.

Tidus dropped Cloud onto the ground and walked over to Yuna. " Hey there, babe!"

Yuna smiled at him and jumped onto the back of his shoulders. "Honey, I love you. Will you take me to Auto Zone?" she asked.

"Sure, fatso, I'll piggyback ride you there later," Tidus said.

Yuna was so angry that she jumped onto Wakka's roof with Tifa and jumped off, with her dress working like Mary Poppin's umbrella, and floated in the air. She magically came down and landed into Zidane's perverted arms.

"Hey, babe!" Zidane told her. Yuna blushed and kissed him on the lips.

"Wh-wh-what about me, gorgeous?" Tidus asked, crying.

"Pervert!" Yuna called to him, sticking her tongue out afterward. Then she and Zidane continued to kiss.

Tidus made a Coke mug with Coke in it magically appear in his hand and drank it, fainting in the process.

So, was it good with Coke instead of beer? I felt more comfortable with soda pop, since I'm typing this at school and all. Please read and review! Come back, all of you!

Next chapter: Some one dies!


	5. Tidus's Death

Hi! Only 2 chapters to go! Don't worry; I have more FFX stories to post! No more tears, ya? Enjoy! Feel free to laugh and cry as much as you want! Chapter 5: Tidus's Death 

After Tidus woke-up later that night, he went to the bar, sat down in his usual seat, and grieved.

"Aww . . . what's wrong, man?" Bar dude asked, laughing evilly.

" . . . Yuna's mad at me . . . now she has a new boyfriend," Tidus managed to choke out behind tears.

"Well, here's you a Coke," Bar dude said, placing a mug in front of Tidus. "I think I may have some advice for you on how to get her back. Trust me, I have a beautiful woman myself."

"Really? Can I see?" Tidus asked in shock.

"Yeah! Lynn! Come out! A little boy wants to admire you!" Bar dude yelled.

Lynn came out of the chandelier and landed right in front of Tidus. She had a long white beard that went rolling onto the floor in curls, ears that had earwax that poured into her mouth, and had bare feet that looked like a Hobbit's.

Tidus looked at her and fell over.

"Quick! Check his pulse!" A hearty old man in about his forties yelled.

A little old lady came over and checked. " . . . He's . . . dead," she said.

"Whoooohoooooo!" Everyone in Spira yelled. They all threw confetti everywhere and did the Polka around his disgusting dead body.

So, do you think Lynn's hot or what! Sorry so short, but that's the way greatness goes, I guess. Next chapter: the tater thief is revealed!


	6. The Tater Thief Revealed

Hey! Thanks for the reviews! I really appreciate all of the support and love! Well, this chapter reveals the thief, so brace yourselves for one big surprise (_sarcastically_)! Just 1 more chapter to go! (Sniffles)

Chapter 6: The Tater Thief Revealed

"Ahem, my name is Auron and I think Rikku is not an Al Bhed! She's Zidane's other evil thief sister!" Auron yelled to everyone.

"**_OTHER_** sister! I am a woman . . . err, man!" Kuja yelled with rage.

"I am too an Al Bhed! How dare you, one-eyed rotten pumpkin!" Rikku yelled to Auron.

"How dare you . . . . . . . Wait! A pumpkin is a thingie that grows outta the ground! Therefore . . .. (Drum role) . . .. You're the thief!" Auron accused.

"Oh, Auron, I'm deeply and madly in love with you! Hold me! Hold me!" Yuna expressed, running up to Auron with arms wide open, pushing Zidane into a pile of Nickelodeon Gooze.

"Yuk! That's nasty!" Zidane whined.

"It wasn't me! It was Zidane Tribal!" Rikku pointed out.

Zidane still had tater juice and peals all over his face and hands, as well as flies buzzing around him.

"Prove it, ugly puddle of mustard!" Auron yelled to Rikku.

"Paine, show him the evidence!" Rikku ordered as she picked her nose.

Paine walked over to Auron and held up a fossilized Zidane footprint with a tater peal by it.

"Owch! My butt itches real bad!" Cloud whined. He had a big cast on the outside of his pants around his butt because of Tidus giving him a wedgie the day before.

"I knew it was Zidane all along!" Wakka lied as he pulled grass out of Lulu's boot.

"Get him!" Auron yelled to Kuja and Yuna.

Kuja pulled Zidane out of the Gooze. Yuna pulled her staff out of her dress and spanked him with it.

"Ouch! Ahh! Ekk! Don't touch me there!" Zidane cried.

Kuja and Yuna dropped Zidane on the ground while Auron walked over to Tifa and opened the eyelid in front of her that had no eyeball.

"Eeeeekkk!" Tifa screamed as she jumped and landed into Paine's arms. "You're a strange looking man," she told her.

"I'm a woman, piece of worm waste!" Pained yelled pleased.

So, is it good? Only 1 chapter left! If you send enough good reviews, I'll post Wakka's Taters 2! So be good little kiddies and send me good reviews! Please waste part of your insignificant lives to send me thank you letters! See ya!


	7. Wakka's New Surprise

Disclaimer: I do not own the FF Company.

Please enjoy the last chapter of one of my most famous fanfics! I posted this to make people laugh, but it seems only one person likes it in the whole world other that my old 7th grade classmates! Please read and review to make me stop crying!

**Chapter 7: Wakka's New Surprise**

The next morning . . .

"Lulu! Come look! It's a miracle, hurry!" Wakka yelled, jumping up and down in his garden.

Lulu came out of the house and walked over to Wakka. "Ahhhhhh!" she panicked. "It's Tidus's head in your garden!"

"Yeah, I knew that cow manure helps plants grow, so I figured Tidus was close enough," Wakka explained. "See! It's another tater!"

"Great . . ." Lulu said sarcastically.

"I knew that'd make you happy, my little juice box."

Wakka and Lulu did another hoedown around their new baby tater. Afterwards, Wakka picked it up and kissed it and Lulu did the same. Their friends and fellow investigators appeared floating in the sky in their underwear. Tidus appeared on a cloud headless and said, " Does anyone see my head anywhere?"

The End 

Good? Is that not the best story ever? Remember to review so I'll post sequels! Try not to cry about it being the end now, okay?


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